


Quintessence of Dust

by SkyLeaf



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Hugs, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26548246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyLeaf/pseuds/SkyLeaf
Summary: Shiro knew what he should have felt. Joy, the elated bliss of celebrating his own marriage, an event he had not thought he would survive for long enough to experience. However, as he looked around in the crowded room, nothing would have been able to mask the hollow feeling of loss that sat in his chest as he realised that Keith was nowhere to be seen.
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Pidge | Katie Holt & Shiro
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36
Collections: UnrequitedLoveORareThey





	Quintessence of Dust

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because, even in 2020, I am still not really over this. Also, the title comes from Hamlet, because, apparently, I just love tragic endings.

Shiro was not sure whether to put the sense of everything having gone a little too well down to the aftereffects of the war that was still visible in the scars that lined the streets outside the Garrison or an ordinary case of having spent the past week unable to get in more than a few hours of sleep at the odd hours that surrounded midnight, having to carve out time in between both countless meetings that left him with little answers whenever the attention would inevitably shift to him, generals and politicians alike seemingly believing that having been through space and time itself had granted Shiro another level of insight that allowed him to figure out just how they were meant to rebuild everything that had been destroyed, and the task of planning a wedding in the midst of burials and celebrations. Personally, Shiro was not even certain which explanation he hoped would turn out to be correct. Though, as he looked out over the mess hall, Shiro could not shake the feeling that this, the exhaustion and joy competing for attention, would surely reveal itself to have taken root in the way people had formed little crowds in every corner of the mess hall.

“Are you alright?” from the way he reached out to take his hand, the warm sensation of the comforting squeeze travelling up through the circuits and sensors of the prosthetic, Shiro already knew whom he see as he turned around. Still, it did not do much to dim the instinctive joy of finding Curtis at his side, the feeling of the metallic band around his finger grounding him more than any attempt at remembering his therapist’s words about breathing exercises would ever have done.

“Yeah,” Shiro mumbled, forcing himself to take his eyes off Curtis to send a short glance out over the emptying room, “I think I am just a bit… worn out. I didn’t know that there would be so many people taking advantage of the invitation to come talk with me.”

Next to him, Curtis chuckled slightly. “Well, I mean, I don’t think that that television series did anything to diminish your popularity.”

“Don’t remind me.” Shiro was not able to keep the laugh from sneaking into his attempt at imitating a groan, the memories of how many times he had tried to give a little less violent retelling of their journey through the universe to one of the many children who had come running up to him throughout the evening with shining eyes and a piece of paper and pen waiting for him the moment he turned to them, only for them to demand that he ‘spoke with his real voice’, whatever that might mean, their parents sending him an apologetic nod when their child turned around with a huff. “I don’t know how many more times I will be able to look at someone and know that I let them down from the moment I opened my mouth.”

“You could also just try with a Swedish accent.” to his credit, Curtis was able to keep a straight face for several seconds, but then the laughter also came, Curtis leaning against his shoulder, what appeared to be an attempt at imitating Shiro’s voice from the show drowned out by the sound.

Unable to hide the smile from him, Shiro simply leant in against him as well. “I don’t think I will even come close to being able to pull that off. Have you heard him? That guy’s great; it’s no wonder that children love him so much.”

“Aw, I am sure that they love you as well!” before Shiro got a chance to respond, Curtis had looked past him, his eyes widening as he spotted someone behind him. With a little pat on Shiro’s shoulder, Curtis stepped to the side, barely turning back around to look at him as he disappeared into one of the crowds that had gathered near the back wall of the room. “I have to go for a moment. You’ll be okay, right?” Curtis voice was louder than before as he called out for him, Shiro instinctively sending a glance towards the group to his right to ensure that they had not overheard him.

Deciding that they seemed to be more occupied with attacking what was left of their wedding cake, the toppers having been removed several hours ago, currently safely stored away somewhere aboard the Atlas if Pidge was to be believed, Shiro tried his best to force himself to calm down, relaxing the muscles that had tightened in the moments of uncertainness, forcing himself to adopt a more open and friendly expression when one of the guest, a cadet whose name Shiro would not have been able to remember to save his life, looked up from her slice of cake to send him a bright smile.

All was well; he did not have to hide from anyone during his wedding day. Even if he were to let it show how little he liked the only spot in the room that had been left somewhat vacant, leaving him to decide whether being surrounded by crowds of people who he had no recollection of having ever met before was better or worse than being forced to walk towards one of said groups, they would have understood, perhaps sending him a little, sad nod before turning around and letting the past remain in the past to instead look towards the cake and celebration. But Shiro could have repeated his therapist’s words to himself as much as he wanted to and it still would not have changed the fact that he could already feel his heartrate speed up, the adrenaline following suit within moments as the worries about seating arrangements and the questions of which admirals and captains they would be able to leave off the guest list without risk creating an interplanetary diplomatic crisis faded into the background, instead replaced by the all too familiar analysis of weaknesses, attack patterns, and hiding spots.

Turning the look at where Curtis had gone, Shiro could already feel how the ring had twisted, the feeling of metal against metal still leaving him with an almost oddly cold feeling as he craned his neck in an attempt at finding Curtis in the sea of strangers. Halfway convinced that he had spotted a couple of Blades sending him long glances, their masks not doing much to ease Shiro’s worries, his heart still beating an unsteady rhythm against his sternum, the plea for him to flee, attack, block, echoing in his mind, Shiro found himself taking a step to the side.

The sensation of losing control was still overwhelming even now, Shiro barely able to try to remind himself to breathe, force himself to maintain a carefully blank expression, as he found himself all but sprinting towards the nearest exit.

Passing by another crowd, he was almost sure that he heard someone say his name, a pen already shoved his way as he mumbled something that was meant as an apology, but sounded more like white noise to him, the disappointment on whoever had handed him the pen’s face fading into the background as the instinctive fear came to fill every last nook and cranny of his mind, little black dots dancing in front of his eyes as Shiro forced his lungs to continue to send oxygen out to his muscles.

The feeling of the door handle beneath his grip should have been calming, but as he pressed down, barely able to restrain himself from throwing open the door to escape from the room, the only thing he could think about was how cold the metal was, his right hand not giving any warmth to it.

Still, he made his way out into the hallway, the feeling of his throat tightening, blocking off air so overwhelming that he barely had the time to step aside to keep himself from colliding with Pidge, the sudden step to the side instead sending him on a collision course with the wall to his right.

“Whoa!” he heard Pidge let out a surprised shriek, her voice sounding almost like it came from somewhere far away, the feeling of being underwater extending to even the sound of her voice as she reached out towards him, only to draw back the moment before she made contact. Even through the panic, Shiro could still see the times she had tried to convince him to see a therapist before giving up and simply getting him an appointment reflected in her eyes as she took a step back and held up her hands, revealing her palms. “Are you okay?”

He opened his mouth, fully convinced that he was able to have the lie ready in the millisecond it took him. But, rather than stammering something about the party having been a little too crowded for his taste, Shiro found himself caught on the very first syllable, unable to focus on anything but the way Pidge’s eyebrows rose a bit with every attempt at forcing out the lie. Not a threat, he tried to remind himself, desperately forcing himself to focus on the fact that Pidge had yet to move, still holding up her hands to reveal herself as unarmed. But, try as he might, he could not keep back the little voice that whispered to him how none of the paladins would ever truly be unarmed, conjuring up images of the times they had made their enemies believe them to be weak, only to exploit their arrogance when they would finally attack.

“Yea—yeah,” Shiro finally found the strength to say, doing his best not to meet Pidge’s gaze, not to let himself dwell on the way she drew her brows together, the worry surely evident in her eyes as she tilted her head slightly to the side, “perfect, amazing, just fine.” from the way the crease between her brows only grew deeper, Shiro could tell that he was not at all succeeding in convincing her, so, trying his best to make the gesture seem relaxed, he threw his arms out to the side to keep himself from making it even worse. “I just… I was just wondering how you and the rest of the paladins were doing. With the ceremony and all that, I don’t really feel like I have got much of a chance to really talk with you guys lately.”

“Oh.” from the way Pidge smiled at him, her eyes making it clear how she was still searching for a sign of how to react to what he already knew would be an issue he would have to discuss with his therapist, it could not have been clearer that Pidge did not buy his poor attempt at hiding the truth from her, but at least she seemed to have decided to let him continue on with the lie just that once, something Shiro was grateful for. “Well, I think you missed Lance by about ten minutes. Last thing I heard, Veronica and Acxa had to drag him back onto the ship. I think it was a bit hard for him, all of this with how Allura… you know.”

“I do.” the guilt was almost strong enough to push through the immediate panic, Shiro mentally berating himself for having failed to take the date into account in the midst of the meetings with half a dozen different wedding planners.

From the way Pidge was quick to bring an end to the tense silence that had followed his words, he knew that she must have known where his thoughts had taken him. It wasn’t exactly a difficult deduction to make, not with how Lance’s Altean markings seemed to glow against the dark look that would creep into his eyes whenever any of them would be careless enough to accidentally bring up any memory of the final fight with Honerva, but he still found himself somewhat relieved by how quick she was to shake her head. “No, not because of the wedding, Shiro. They have been talking about making a museum that would be dedicated to her and Voltron back on Altea. From what I have heard, Veronica tried her best to shield him from the discussion of how that project would be implemented, but one of the diplomats decided to seize the opportunity to talk with him without his sister being there.”

“Oh…” Shiro was left to look down at the ground. As much as Pidge’s words should have made him feel better, he could not ignore the feeling of guilt curling up deep in his stomach, “I didn’t know.”

There was something in the look Pidge sent him that Shiro did not know how to interpret. It was gone the next moment, however, leaving Shiro to wonder if he had been imagining things as Pidge shrugged, the gesture clearly meant to reassure him as she spoke. “Well, Veronica probably assumed that you had enough to worry about already with planning this wedding and all that.” for some reason, Shiro could not help but feel like Pidge had stumbled over that last word, her tone having changed ever so slightly. Still, with how Pidge did not give him more than a second of silence before continuing, he did not get the chance to ponder the implications. “As for Hunk and I, we were actually just talking about how we had to go and congratulate you and Curtis. I have a meeting on Olkarion tomorrow—my dad was so proud when I told him about my work with the connection between space and time—so we were actually just about to say goodbye for now.”

“And Keith?” it was not until he said his best friend’s name that Shiro realised how he had barely seen him all day, only spotting the back of his head for a couple of seconds during the wedding ceremony itself, the glance only lasting for half a second, just enough to let Shiro see Krolia whisper something to her son, before he turned back to look at Curtis and the ring that rested on his finger.

An expression he could not recognise flickered across Pidge’s face, the frown having returned. But it was gone just as quickly as it had appeared as Pidge shrugged once more. “I think I overheard him talking about some Blade mission with his mother in the garden a couple of minutes ago. Perhaps he is still out there.” she nodded towards the window to her left, almost as if to punctuate her words.

It was not until he had already turned from her that Shiro realised the insult he would once have found in the gesture. At least a quick glance back in her direction did not reveal any reaction to it, Pidge only sending him a long look before walking over to stand at his side.

Outside, the garden looked almost the way Shiro remembered it from the visits he and Curtis had paid in advance, only now with the footprints as a sign of where people had stumbled through the bushes, no doubt to escape from the crowds inside. In the distance, leaning up against a wall, deep in conversation with someone he could not remember having ever seen before, Shiro was sure that he spotted the familiar sight of Matt’s hair. In a time before the Kerberos Mission and everything that had followed, he would perhaps have been there with him, laughing along to a bad joke about the idea of getting married within the Garrison. As much as he tried not to, Shiro could not keep himself from wondering what that Shiro would have said to him if he had seen him now, four years older, having lost his arm twice, been through the worst year in his life, and topped it all off by dying in the end, only to be brought back to a team that refused to acknowledge the fact that the clone whose body he had taken had come seconds away from murdering his best friend and killing the rest of the team. He would probably have stared at him, unable to believe what he was hearing. That seemed to be the usual reaction to every attempt at opening up to the people around him.

“Yeah!” it was the sound of Pidge’s exclamation that brought him back to the present. Trying his best to keep up the façade, Shiro turned to follow the line she drew with her gesture towards the hiding spot that lay nestled away between one of the larger bushes and the wall behind it. “There he is!”

She was right. Even out of his paladin uniform, the purple colour the Blade of Marmora far from able to create the same stark contrast against the shadows of the setting sun as the red accents would have done, Shiro recognised Keith the moment his eyes found him. Unlike practically every other person he had given a short nod and an attempt at a cheery smile as a response to their determination to congratulate him, eyeing his arm with a vary gaze throughout most of the conversation, he was alone out there. Even from where he was standing, Shiro was certain that Keith was wearing the same frown he had seen flicker across his face during the ceremony.

“I thought that he was supposed to have left for the mission already, so why he is down there is—.” Pidge’s mumble cut through his thoughts, making Shiro redirect his attention towards her just in time to see her frown at him.

“Left?” Shiro could not keep his voice from breaking, already hearing how his attempt at covering it up with a cough did not grant him the intended results. “I thought that he was planning to stay for the rest of the weekend.”

The way Pidge hesitated, her gaze flickering from him and over to where Keith was still standing behind the bush, before finally landing on Shiro once more, letting him know that she had originally planned to say something entirely different than what accompanied the little shrug, sent a shiver down Shiro’s spine as she spoke. “Yeah, but I think that something came up. Don’t worry; I am sure he is even more annoyed than you are. Most likely, it was simply a matter of him not being able to turn down whatever task they have given him—you know how it is with the Blades and their missions.”

Shiro muttered something he was not even sure what meant, doing his best to hide the hurt blooming in his chest. For the truth was that he was not annoyed. Disappointed and upset, yes, but not annoyed.

“You could go talk with him.” Pidge said the words almost like he had not already considered that a hundred times during the last couple of hours, only to find himself busy with yet another handful of children who seemed disappointed whenever he would have to look down at them and admit that he was not able to speak with a Swedish accent, turning to greet a diplomat from some planet the name of which he should probably have remembered from a meeting, or with Curtis coming over to try to convince him to relax and enjoy the party, like Shiro had not found himself looking down at the control board of the Atlas more times than he could count during the last year, finger hovering just above the button with Keith’s name before he realised that his friend was already busy enough without him calling just to find himself at a loss for words to describe the feeling of losing him. “I am sure he would be happy to see you.”

The image of the dark gleam in his eyes and the frown that had greeted him back during the ceremony was still fresh in Shiro’s mind. He found himself halfway doubting Pidge’s words.

That was what hurt the most. As much as his therapist liked to tell him that he had to come to terms with everything that had happened during the war, seemingly having decided that her focus should be on making him accept the physical loss of his arm and the almost dissociative sensation of being in a body that did not belong to him, deep down, Shiro knew that she was looking at the wrong side of the peace treaties when she would ask him to explain what feelings had followed in the first couple of weeks after waking up in the clone’s body. Having lost an arm hurt, but it was a pain he knew how to handle, breathing through it until he emerged on the other side. But this, the sense that the team was falling apart, Hunk and Pidge seemingly always busy with their interplanetary work, whether they were related to the culinary art or Pidge’s research work, and Lance having moved to Altea, that was not something he knew how to move past.

Sending another glance towards where Keith had yet to move from his spot near the wall, Shiro tried to recall when he had first noticed the shift between them. It must have been in the months following their victory, Shiro having failed to notice it in the middle of meetings, Blade missions, and Curtis having stopped him on his way back to his quarters to ask him if he wanted to see what the old restaurant in town had turned into now that it was a popular tourist site for interplanetary visitors. At least Shiro was sure that he would have thought to notice it and act accordingly if Keith had disappeared from one moment to the next, even if he still had yet to fully name the catalyst for the shift. But, rather than happening all at once, it had been gradual, coming in the shape of Blade missions, first lasting for a couple of days, but soon growing until they lasted weeks and months. Looking down at Keith, Shiro would not have been surprised if he would fade away, mirroring the distance that had slowly crept into the space between them.

A clicking noise preceded the sound of someone saying his name. “Shiro? Earth to Shiro?”

Shaking his head, Shiro turned towards the source of the noise, only to find Pidge snapping her fingers at him. Trying his best to muster up a smile, he looked down at her. “Yes?”

“You kind of went off into a trance there.” It was almost unnoticeable the way Pidge looked to the side, looking out of the window rather than at him, but the shift was still more than enough for Shiro to catch it, to hear the edge that had crept into her voice as she added. “I think you should go talk to him.”

“I have talked to him.” Shiro almost managed to catch himself off guard by the stubborn tone that had somehow made its way into his voice.

If Pidge shared the surprise, she hid it well, simply lifting an eyebrow in response. “Have you? When?”

“Uh…” counting back, Shiro found his heart dropping a little more with every time he was able to add another week to the number, “about… about three months ago.”

The silence that filled the hallway around them was almost enough to make Shiro consider heading back into the crowds of people and loud noises. Before he got the chance to do that, however, Pidge shook her head, muttering something under her breath he did not manage to catch before looking up at him. “Well, from what I have heard, he is planning to move to Daibazaal—to help Krolia and Kolivan with the rebuilding process and all that, you know.”

Shiro nodded, trying his best to ignore the feeling of something shattering inside. He had not known. Pidge had mentioned it almost offhand, making it sound like it should have been obvious, and he had not _known_. If he closed his eyes, Shiro was certain he would have seen the way Keith had looked at him as he stepped out of the house in the desert the first morning after Shiro had been able to escape to Earth, not hesitating for a moment before coming over to join him, so he made sure to keep his eyes open, ignoring the sting of tears as he fought to bring himself to say something.

“No,” he finally found the strength to mumble, “no, I didn’t know that.”

“I know.” seemingly unaffected by the surprised glance he sent her, Pidge reached out to place a hand on his arm, turning him back around to face the window before Shiro had even got the chance to realise that that was what she was doing. Already before she nodded towards him, Shiro knew just where she wanted him to look as she added to the simple sentence, the green foliage of the bush becoming a blur as he tried his best not to cry. “He asked me not to tell you when he first mentioned it.”

“But… why?”

Keith had held onto him, had looked down at him with a fondness in his eyes that Shiro could not remember having ever seen anyone direct towards him before as pulled him closer. There were all those memories, all those little things that had made him lean in towards him, knowing that, for as much as Keith may have told him that his life would have been a lot different had it not been for Shiro, Shiro could not imagine a life where Keith was not his best friend, and none of them added up to anything that could even come close to being an explanation for both the frown and the secrecy that had taken up his thoughts when Shiro knew full well that he should have been laughing along with Curtis at the jokes the rest of the Atlas crew made.

Once again, it was the moment of hesitation that revealed Pidge’s decision to choose her words carefully, keeping her gaze fixed on where Keith had taken out his knife, the violet glow of it appearing much stronger in the fading light. “I… I think that he did not want to let it overshadow your big day.”

“He could have told me about it beforehand.” already as he said it, Shiro realised the mistake in the argument. Where had Keith been supposed to find the opportunity to do just that? When was the last time there had been time for them to get a moment alone that was not immediately interrupted by a meeting or a mission? Samuel Holt had assured him that the phantom feeling of his lost arm would disappear with time, but as he stood there, Shiro could almost feel the warmth from the screen as he tried to convince himself to just reach out and press the button, establishing a connection with his best friend again, only to pull away a moment later.

From the way she looked at him, Shiro knew that Pidge saw the flaws in his argument as well, simply deciding to let it pass by unmentioned, instead replacing it with a saddened expression he did not know how to read anymore. “I don’t think he knew how to. You should go talk with him, Shiro. I think both of you need to do that.”

“I—” he had meant to tell her about the guests waiting on the other side of the door, about Curtis who would surely begin looking for him in a handful of minutes, about the wedding dance that still lay ahead, but found that the words disappeared, leaving him with no other choice than to nod. “You are right.” Shiro had halfway turned around, only stopping partway through the motion to look back at her, sending her what he hoped was able to pass for a smile. “Thank you.”

She waved at him, still with that look in her eyes he wasn’t sure what meant. “You are welcome, Shiro, but you should probably also hurry if you want to catch him before he leaves.”

Following through the motion, Shiro did not bother to say more, instead bolting through the corridor, relieved that everyone seemed to have begun to gather inside the mess hall again, leaving the hallways empty of people who could otherwise have witnessed his ungraceful stumble as he came to a sliding halt in front of the door leading into the garden. Pushing it open, Shiro stepped out into the cool, night air, instinctively finding himself tugging at the lapels of the suit jacket in an attempt at trapping the warmth inside.

Once, back in a time before Kerberos and Voltron, Keith had told him about how the plants in the garden could also be used for medicinal purposes, Shiro trying his best to maintain a steady smile as he made sure his sleeve covered the electric simulative bracelets as Keith showed him the way to the bush that had been planted almost right next to the wall of the simulation wing. Shiro could almost hear how the enthusiasm that had usually been unique to conversations about flying and space had made him laugh as he followed the same path once again, only stopping as he caught a glimpse of Keith.

Had it not been for how his knife was no longer anywhere to be seen, Shiro could have believed that Keith had not moved at all during the minutes he had spent running towards the garden. As he stood there, leaning against the wall, gaze turned skyward, it could not have been clearer that his thoughts were far away from the wedding and the guests who had no doubt tried to trap him in conversations. It felt close to being rude to interrupt him, Shiro toying with the idea of turning around and heading back inside without another word when Keith finally moved, no longer looking up at the sky, but instead directly at Shiro.

For a moment, neither of them said anything. As the silence between them grew, Shiro could only look at Keith, trying his best to ignore how even the cold wind sweeping past them was unable to fend off the feeling of being too warm, the suit suddenly constricting and stifling. Perhaps he would have been able to guess what Keith was thinking if they had still been aboard the Castle of Lions, if they had still been on their way to Earth, but now, Shiro found himself looking at Keith, unable to read the look in his eyes as he finally nodded at him.

“Shiro.” Keith brought an end to the silence, a hint of surprise making his voice lighter than what Shiro had expected after the frown. “I hadn’t expected to see you out here.”

He tried his best to let out a chuckle, but it sounded half-hearted even to him, Shiro hiding it behind a cough instead. “I could say the same thing about you. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I have seen you for more than a couple of seconds all day. Have you been hiding for me?” it had been an attempt at moving past some of the tension he could already feel as a physical presence next to them, but the words had barely left his mouth before Shiro heard the honest hurt in them.

It would appear that Keith had noted it as well, the expression on his face changing, no longer a rehearsed smile, but instead something akin to guilt. “No! Not at all. I have just…” Shiro did not miss the way Keith glanced to the side, looking at the bush next to him rather than Shiro as he continued, “I have had a lot to think about.”

“Oh?” Shiro let his voice trail off, hoping to convey the opening to Keith. With how fast his heart was beating, he was not certain if that was all there was to the feeling of time at once speeding up and coming to a halt around them, Keith neither looking at him nor appearing to be about to elaborate on what he had just said. Struggling to keep back a sigh, Shiro decided to try again. “About moving to Daibazaal, I presume?”

That finally earned him a reaction, Keith looking up at him with wide eyes, the little twitch that ran along his arm revealing his surprise. “How did you—”

“Pidge told me.” too late did Shiro think to ponder whether or not Pidge would appreciate him revealing just where he had got that piece of information. The way Keith nodded to himself would appear to be indicative of him receiving an angry message about how she had trusted him not to tell the moment Keith had got the chance to speak with her. Deciding that that specific problem would have to wait, Shiro took a step forwards, bringing him further away from the bush. “You could have told me about it, you know that, right?”

The response came without hesitation, Keith looking at him with a smile that seemed just a bit too tense. “Of course. I just didn’t want to make you worry about me, old-timer.”

Shiro could recognise the quip for what it was, an attempt at erasing a little of the silence and distance between them. The wise thing would have been to address that, but right then, as some of the ice between them seemed to melt a little, Shiro could not have cared less about the reason for why Keith closed the gap to land a light punch on his upper arm. All that mattered was the fact that they were talking again, finally having a chance to look at each other outside of meetings and debriefings.

So, returning the punch by reaching out to ruffle Keith’s hair, Shiro let out a laugh that felt only halfway fake. “Oh, should I worry about you then?”

“No.” the light of the setting sun almost seemed to add a purple glow to Keith’s uniform as he fought to smoothen out his hair, the look he sent Shiro letting him know that had it not been for the fact that they were at his wedding, Keith would have done the exact same thing to him. “Not really. It is just a matter of everything being a bit easier, you know with organising and the chain of command and all that when most of the central leadership is gathered in one place.” Keith blinked at him before sending a nod in the direction of the door Shiro had pushed open moments before. “I am sure you would know about the struggle of trying to set up a meeting when half of those you are trying to reach are located halfway across the galaxy.”

“Don’t get me started. Do you know how many times I have been woken up because three in the morning in Earthly time was apparently the best time for the meeting for the rest of the Coalition? Because let me tell you, it has been far too many times.”

Keith laughed, the kind of laugh that began somewhere in the stomach, deep and real. It was the kind of laugh Shiro had missed during the months of being awoken by his alarm blaring, Curtis mumbling a curse under his breath as he pressed the pillow to his ears in a desperate attempt at drowning out the sound, Shiro only able to find a bit of comfort in the fact that, all things considered, it was better than being woken up by the memory of being trapped within the consciousness of the Black Lion. The sheer strength of the emotion felt almost like a kick in the stomach as Shiro looked at Keith, the laughter soon dying as Keith instead returned what Shiro already knew was a stare with one of his own.

“Uh, Shiro? Is something wrong? You are kind of looking at me like I have just grown a second head.”

“No, it’s just…” Shiro shook his head, unable to think of a lie in time, “I have missed you. That’s all. It’s really good to see you again.”

Shiro would not say that he had expected for Keith to say the same to him. He knew better than to think that. But it would have been a lie to claim that he had not hoped that Keith might return the sentiment, that he might also have found himself gravitating towards the coms the way Shiro did after a nightmare, desperate to find someone who could understand and not simply offer comforting words that were ultimately meaningless. There had been times where he had considered the fact that the growing divide between them might simply be yet another loss he would have to find a way to work through, yet another cost of the war, never allowing anything worse than that to cross his mind outside of one of his nightmares.

So seeing the way Keith’s expression grew more reserved, the smile dimming until it was barely there anymore hurt more than anything Shiro had prepared himself for. The suit felt warm and uncomfortable as he reached up in a desperate attempt at adjusting the collar, already knowing that that was not to blame for the feeling of air being forced out of his lungs.

“I—” Keith said.

But Shiro interrupted him before he got a chance to get another word in. As horrible as it was to stand there and watch as Keith refused to meet his gaze once more, it would be so much worse to hear him struggle to find the words to tell him that he was alone with his feelings of loss over their lack of contact over those last couple of months. “I know that you have been busy with the Blades of Marmora and all the tasks associated with restoring Daibazaal and entering the interplanetary political scene again, and I really don’t want for you to think that I am trying to make you feel guilty for any of this, but I—”

“Shiro.” and just like that, Keith was able to cut through his rambling, holding up his hands in front of him as he shook his head. “Relax. I have missed you as well.”

“You have?” Shiro had not meant for the words to sound so light, the relief shining right through, but as he looked towards Keith, he found that he lacked the strength to keep just that from happening.

Perhaps Keith noticed it. The softness that crept into his expression as he spoke would surely seem to imply that. “Yeah,” Keith said, “I really—I have really missed you, Shiro.” he moved, the step forwards accompanied by an aborted gesture that made it seem like he had been about to move in for a hug, only to stop halfway through.

Already moving, Shiro formed the last half of the gesture, pulling Keith into a tight embrace. For a moment, they both stood there, Shiro feeling how Keith slowly relaxed, leaning into the hug, nestling his head against his shoulder. Out there in the gardens, without anyone around them or any sound that were able to reach into that deep, primal fear and survival instinct that had grown to become an all-encompassing part of his pattern of thoughts over the year within the arena, he could almost let himself believe that it could be so simple, that all it would take to rekindle their friendship would be him holding onto Keith and finding comfort in his presence.

But, of course, it had to come to an end again, Keith pulling away, an almost guilty look passing over his face as he stepped back, away from Shiro. “You should probably begin thinking about returning to the party.” Keith had meant for it to sound light, that much was clear, even if Shiro would never have been able to miss the undertone of something bitter in his voice. “They are probably waiting for you. It is about time for you to have your wedding dance, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Shiro could almost picture the way Curtis was probably about to go looking for him, placing a champagne flute on a table as he looked around the room. Almost, but not quite, not as he found all his attention taken up by the way Keith looked down at the ground, his clenched jaw so unlike the easy atmosphere of the hug. “Are you coming?”

Already before Keith shook his head, Shiro knew what the answer would be. Still, it did not do much to lessen the pain of seeing Keith take yet another step backwards, seemingly intent on looking everywhere but at Shiro as he answered. “No. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Why not? You know that you are not required to dance, right? If you want to, I am sure that Pidge would be more than ready to criticise me and Curtis’ technique with you.”

Shiro had expected for Keith to laugh and elbow him in the side before telling him that he would be able to beat him on a dance floor any day of the week, but, if anything, the tension running along the line of Keith’s shoulders only seemed to grow, Keith keeping his gaze fixed on an indeterminable point to his right as he answered. “Yeah, I know that. It’s just… well, I was actually thinking about leaving for Daibazaal soon. Getting there as quickly as possible and trying to lessen the impact jet-lag will have on me before the never-ending cycle of meetings will begin, you know.”

“Oh.” Shiro could almost feel how the word stole all the air along with it, leaving him to fumble for a response. “And you really can’t stay for just another couple of minutes? It would mean a lot to me if you could.”

A second passed, the way Keith hesitated making Shiro believe that he might agree. But just as the hope had appeared from one moment to the next, all it took for it to disappear again was looking at Keith as he shook his head, the apology clear in his eyes as he finally looked back up at Shiro once again. “I am sorry, Shiro. I would love to have stayed if I—if I had been able to, but you know how the diplomats can be.” the strain was so clear that Shiro could almost not recognise the sound that escaped Keith as a laugh. “They are not exactly fans of tardiness, no matter how many times you try to tell them that you had to attend the wedding of your best friend.”

“Yeah,” Shiro mumbled, feeling how the night air crept back in under the suit, sending a shiver down his back. “I get that. Well, in that case, will you at least let me wish you a safe journey?”

“I am the pilot of the ship, Shiro, I won’t need that,” Keith reminded him, his voice softening as he nodded, “but, yes, I would appreciate that.”

He had planned to leave without telling him. Shiro knew that. Most likely, Keith’s plan had been to sneak out without anyone noticing it, leaving him with the chance to leave without having to say goodbye. Shiro knew all that, but he still found himself stepping forwards, pulling Keith in for another hug, Keith hesitating for a moment before he too wrapped his arms around him.

“Keith.” Shiro could feel how Keith moved slightly at the mention of his name, leaning a bit deeper into the hug. “I—can we promise each other that we will make time for each other? I don’t want to lose my best friend once he moves to Daibazaal.”

The second of silence that followed seemed to last for an eternity, Shiro certain that Keith could hear how furiously his heart beat along, marking every second of the horrible feeling of loss that settled into every last bone of his body as he waited for what Keith would say.

But finally, thankfully, Keith bowed his head a little, the movement no doubt messing up his hair even more as he mumbled the words into Shiro’s shoulder. “Of course. I don’t want to lose you either, Shiro.”

The relief felt like it was enough for him to have floated, bringing him up onto a little cloud that could have carried him anywhere. Tightening the embrace a little, Shiro could not ignore the thought that, if that were to happen, he would not have wished to be taken to any other spot in the universe than right there, simply enjoying Keith’s presence.

Still, just as it had been the case when he had first woken up, finding himself looking directly up at the joy in Keith’s face, only for the excitement of the rest of the paladins as they entered the room to demand for their attention to be turned towards them, the world around them would not allow them to lose themselves to that one moment where Shiro was almost able to forget what it felt like to wake up in the middle of the night with the scream still echoing in his ears as he tried to erase the memory of his blade missing Keith by little more than a hand’s breadth, the steel beam behind him cut in half in his place from his mind.

It was as if Keith was looking at him again, his eyes wide and his voice shaky as he told him that he had tried to _kill_ him, sounding even more terrified by the idea now than he had been when the clone had first turned his weapon towards him, the same kind of dread mixed with something Shiro could not name while looking down at Keith and trying to give him just a little bit of comfort in the knowledge that, at least, even if they were both removed from the team and isolated within the Black Lion’s consciousness, they were not alone, when Keith extracted himself from the hug, his fist clenched at his side as he looked back up at Shiro.

“Shiro, I—I should get going, the Blades, they are all waiting for me.”

More than anything, Shiro wished that he was able to be brave enough to push through the wall he could already feel forming between them, to take Keith’s hand and ask him once more to join him in going back inside. But he didn’t. Much like he had not dared to bring up the issue and confront it directly back when he had first noticed it, instead finding himself glancing towards the com units, for a moment losing his focus to the hope of Keith somehow being able to sense his wish and know to call him, Shiro did not make another attempt, instead hoping that the smile he sent Keith looked just a bit more sincere than what it felt like. “I understand. Tell your mother that I said hi, will you?”

A smile tugged at corners of Keith’s mouth as he nodded, but Shiro would have been a fool to miss the way he blinked the tears out of his eyes. “Of course.”

There was a fraction of a second where Shiro could almost believe that Keith was moving in for one last hug, but it passed along with yet another thud of his heart beating against his ribcage, Keith moving past him, the only sign of hesitation being the way he turned his head ever so slightly to continue to look at him as he moved between Shiro and the bush. Still, even that slight pause came to an end a second later, Keith continuing to walk towards the door leading back inside. Shiro did not need to ask to know that it was not to head back to the party or even to bid the other paladins goodbye, but rather to leave the Garrison to instead join Krolia and the rest of the Blades for the flight to Daibazaal. He would not be alone there, Shiro knew that, but he could still not shake the feeling that there was an air of loneliness to Keith’s movement as he walked along the path, looking almost like he was awaiting an attack, shoulders hunched over and the knife still hanging at his side.

“Keith! Wait!” it wasn’t until Keith had turned around, the surprise evident on his face, that Shiro realised how he had been the one to break the silence.

“Yes?” the word was dragged out, the hesitation clear in Keith’s voice as he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly.

“I was just thinking… we will still be friends, won’t we? Once you get to Daibazaal, I mean. I know that you have all these things that you need to do and that I haven’t exactly been the best at maintaining contact either, but I have really missed seeing you for these past couple of months, and—”

“Shiro.” Keith’s smile was warm, more than capable of chasing away the chill of the night as he looked at him. “Of course we won’t stop being friends just because I move to Daibazaal. I love you.”

He had halted before the word ‘friends’ for a moment too long, the slight stumble magnified in Shiro’s mind as he looked at him. But after everything, after Voltron and Haggar, a friend who had died for all of them, and the years of rebuilding and trying to ignore how both Curtis and his therapist seemed determined to help him battle something they would never understand, Shiro knew that he should be grateful for it not being any more than that, a slight change in the pitch of Keith’s voice and a fraction of a second of silence.

Shiro did not move, feeling almost like he might have taken root as he nodded, but he tried his best to let his tone of voice show how he, just a few years ago, would not have hesitated to go with Keith, accompanying him to the spacecraft, possibly following him even further beyond that point. “I love you too.”

A nod, and Keith had turned around, leaving Shiro with little more than the afterimage of how the smile had faded along with the light in his eyes as he disappeared back into the building, leaving Shiro alone in the garden.

He felt his right hand twitch, the wedding band a familiar weight as he looked down at it, only to find that his vision had blurred. The tears glistened against the cold surface of the prosthetic, and perhaps that was made it all break down around him, Shiro wiping the tears away in his suit before finding himself staring towards the doors, halfway hoping that Keith would come back, halfway wishing that he had the courage to run after him.

In the end, it was Pidge who found him out there, the expression on her face letting him know that she knew, would not need an explanation, as she held onto his arm, gently leading him back towards the party.

He must have moved. She would not have been able to get him back inside had he not followed along. That was what what little logic he still had the energy for told him, but even then, Shiro could not shake the feeling of it all being unreal, yet another dream that caught him halfway between lucidity and sleep, Pidge’s voice barely registering as more than a hum when she whispered into his ear. “Curtis has been looking for you. We all have.”

From the look she sent him, Shiro knew that he must have hummed something in return, but he would not have been able to repeat it later, instead looking back towards the entrance to the Garrison.

“Did you talk with Keith?” Pidge’s voice might have seemed relaxed to anyone who did not already know her, but as Shiro turned towards her, he could see the façade in front of him, the melancholy it had disguised waiting there in front of him.

“Yeah,” Shiro finally mumbled, “yeah, I did.”

After that, Pidge remained silent, but Shiro would not have needed her to realise that the ship that cut across the sky outside the windows moments later was the one that would take Keith to Daibazaal.

Perhaps that was how he had felt back when Shiro had gone to Kerberos, alone and lost without his best friend. Keith might not have been declared dead, but as Pidge opened the door to the mess hall and Shiro once again found himself surrounded by a crowd of people asking for his autograph and memories of space, he could not help but think that he might as well have been with the way his departure made everything in him ache.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! If you want to find me, I am [reaching-the-stars](https://reaching-the-stars.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr.


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